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Joke of the day

I thought this was funny.

IRS AUDIT

THE IRS DECIDES TO AUDIT RALPH, AND SUMMONS HIM INTO THE IRS OFFICE. THE IRS AUDITOR IS NOT SURPRISED WHEN RALPH SHOWS UP WITH HIS ATTORNEY.

THE AUDITOR SAYS, "WELL SIR, YOU HAVE AN EXTRAVAGANT LIFESTYLE AND NO FULL-TIME EMPLOYMENT, WHICH YOU EXPLAIN BY SAYING THAT YOU WIN MONEY GAMBLING. I'M SURE THE IRS FINDS THAT BELIEVABLE."

I AM A "GREAT" GAMBLER, AND I CAN PROVE IT," SAYS
RALPH. "HOW ABOUT A DEMONSTRATION?"

THE AUDITOR THINKS FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, "OKAY GO
FOR IT."

RALPH SAYS, "I'LL BET YOU A THOUSAND
DOLLARS THAT I CAN BITE MY OWN EYE."

THE AUDITOR THINKS A MOMENT AND SAYS, " NO WAY, CAN YOU BITE YOUR OWN EYE, OKAY, IT'S A BET."

RALPH REMOVES HIS GLASS EYE AND BITES IT. THE AUDITOR'S JAW DROPS.

RALPH SAYS, "NOW I'LL BET YOU TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS
THAT I CAN BITE MY OTHER EYE."

THE AUDITOR CAN TELL RALPH ISN'T BLIND, SO HE TAKES THE BET.

RALPH REMOVES HIS "DENTURES" AND BITES HIS GOOD EYE.

THE STUNNED AUDITOR NOW REALIZES HE HAS WAGERED
AND LOST THREE GRAND, WITH RALPH'S ATTORNEY AS A
WITNESS. HE STARTS TO GET NERVOUS.

"WANT TO GO DOUBLE OR NOTHING?" RALPH ASKS.
"I'LL BET YOU SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS THAT I CAN STAND
ON ONE SIDE OF YOUR DESK, AND PEE INTO THE WASTEBASKET ON THE OTHER SIDE, AND NEVER GET A DROP OF PEE ANYWHERE IN BETWEEN."

THE AUDITOR, WHO WAS JUST BURNED TWICE, IS CAUTIOUS NOW, BUT HE LOOKS CAREFULLY AND DECIDES THERE'S NO WAY THIS GUY CAN MANAGE THAT STUNT, SO HE AGREES AGAIN.

RALPH STANDS BESIDE THE DESK AND UNZIPS HIS PANTS,
BUT ALTHOUGH HE STRAINS REAL HARD, HE CAN'T MAKE THE STREAM OF PEE REACH THE WASTEBASKET ON THE OTHER SIDE, SO HE PRETTY MUCH URINATES ALL OVER THE AUDITORS DESK.

THE AUDITOR LEAPS WITH JOY, REALIZING THAT HE HAS
JUST TURNED A MAJOR LOSS INTO A HUGE WIN. BUT RALPH'S ATTORNEY MOANS AND GROANS, PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND JUST SITS THERE MOTIONLESS.

"ARE YOU OKAY, SIR?" THE AUDITOR ASKS.

"NOT REALLY," SAYS THE ATTORNEY. "YOU SEE, THIS
MORNING, WHEN RALPH TOLD ME HE'D BEEN SUMMONED FOR AN AUDIT, HE BET ME TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS THAT HE COULD COME IN HERE AND PEE ALL OVER AN IRS OFFICIAL'S DESK AND THAT YOU'D BE HAPPY ABOUT IT
"If you look to me for illumination, you better have a flashlight!"
hahaha thats a nice one jim
Live is too short to waste it make sure its with the one u love !
MAIL : [email protected]
excelent !
That was so funny, my brother and I had a real good laugh at that one! Thank you Jim for making my day brighter. You and your dag nab smiley faces!
I'm not fat ... I'm festively plump.
I actually heard this one a few years back, except it involved the "guy goes into a bar" scenario with a bartender as the patsy and a couple of other drinkers as the big bet losers. Still funny, though.

Here's one I like (quoted from CNN):


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

----

(or, as Dick Cheney calls it: An honest mistake...)
You want me to do this project? Well, here's the way it works:
Cheap, good, fast. Pick any two.

-Unknown Producer
Both good ones!!!!

Thanks!
Didn't Quentin Tarantino pull a similar joke in a bar in the movie Desperado, by Robert Rodriguez?

First time I heard it though was when I read one of the many books available ingame in the oldie-but-goodie Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall.

Although all completely different versions, it still gives me quite a chuckle :D

Good one Jim!

-Fred
Pirates, vampires, zombies, ninjas, ghouls, aliens, goblins, monsters, robots, sorcerers, undead, werewolves, demons, mutated dinosaur-cyborgs and those pesky phone salesmen! The shotgun is a one-size-fits-all solution!
St. Vivus wrote:I actually heard this one a few years back, except it involved the "guy goes into a bar" scenario with a bartender as the patsy and a couple of other drinkers as the big bet losers. Still funny, though.
Same here... but I like this one better! :lol:

-Cub. =o)
Both great ones that I will use as if they were my own...
Just a particular Get Fuzzy that I thought you guys might get a chuckle at. :D




Image
Jen, I have a hunch that you get "Get Fuzzy" in your email everyday...from comics.com or whatever it is.

I get this hunch because I get "Get Fuzzy" every morning in email, and I do believe that was this morning's strip? Am I right, or am I right? :D
jcarnby wrote: Am I right, or am I right? :D
You are right! I open Get Fuzzy in my email every morning!
Whoa, what a Co-wink-e-dink!

Cheers!
Last edited by Jen on April 09, 2007 • 9:22 am, edited 4 times in total.
A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, a peg leg, and a steering wheel on his pants.

The bartender says "Hey! You've got a steering wheel on your pants."

And the pirate goes, "Arrrrgh, I know. It's driving me nuts."



:wink:



Oh and to those of you "peeps" that celebrate it. Happy Easter!
LOL Jen! Scary concept. :lol:

And yes, Happy Easter!
Can't believe I missed Jen's joke until now, that was hilarious!! One of the better one's I've heard lately, actually :D

Nice one Jenster :D

-Fred
Pirates, vampires, zombies, ninjas, ghouls, aliens, goblins, monsters, robots, sorcerers, undead, werewolves, demons, mutated dinosaur-cyborgs and those pesky phone salesmen! The shotgun is a one-size-fits-all solution!