Alright here's the situation bouys and gulls.
I need help with a 20 page script. I wrote it purely for a lighting excercise here at college. Since I was making it for a lighting excercise it was never intended to be seen by anyone other than professors. Here's the problem. I based a lot of the scenario on the Pandora Directive just for fun, but that descision has now bitten me in the ass. I have been making a TV show for the past 3 years. Now I have an existing pilot writtten and it is unrelated to this lighting excercise so it is not the problem. Oh yeah the problem. My professors have stated that I should shoot this script and use it as a sample for when I finally pitch my show in the Spring. Due to my "paying homage" to the Pandora Directive I now stand a chance of being potentially being sued. I must clearly state that I am NOT selling THIS story but I am shooting it. The purpose of sending it to the networks is in hopes of them buying my actual pilot script, and that this is merely a DEMO to get the flavour of how things might look. I am going to be attatching the script as it exists right now in the hopes that some of you in the community can help me take it as far AWAY from the Tex similarities as possible. If you find yourself interested in helping out I must state that the locations and characters cannot change. The dialogue is up for change but has to stay within the confines of the story. If you can help I deeply thank you as I need to shoot this in March so time is of the essence. If you have any suggestions please keep them in point for so I can make quick changes where need be. Thanks, here's the script:
1. INT. NIGHT – THE MIDNIGHT LOUNGE
FADE IN ON:
A local bar populated with patrons. A young woman is playing guitar and singing. Walking into the bar is our protagonist. CRISPIN is entering the bar and is our narrator in a 1st person narrative.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
The Midnight Lounge is a little bar that a lot of local talent performs at. I was told to meet a girl here by the name of EMMA. It wasn’t the kind of bar that I frequented. It was mostly populated with University types. I felt out of place so I walked up to the bartender and asked him if he knew who Emma was.
BARTENDER
What’ll you have Mac?
CRISPIN
Evening. Do you know a girl named Emma that might work here?
BARTENDER
Emma? Oh sure she’s up on stage right now.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
I looked over to the stage and saw a young woman playing guitar on stage. She looked like the kind of girl that belonged in a place like this. She must be one of the local University students.
CRISPIN
Is there any way I can talk to her for a few minutes? She asked me to meet her here.
BARTENDER
Sure, she’s about to finish up her set. I’ll introduce you to her when she gets off stage.
FADE OUT
FADE IN ON
2. INT. NIGHT – BACKSTAGE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When Emma finished up on stage the bartender brought me back to talk. He seemed a little suspicious of me until Emma assured him that it was alright.
CRISPIN
So what can I do for you Ms. Ashford?
EMMA
I called you here because you were referred to me by a friend. She said that you’d helped her out in the past and you might be able to help me.
CRISPIN
I try to help out when I can. What seems to be the problem?
EMMA
[PAUSES]
I think someone is trying to kill me.
CRISPIN
What makes you think that?
EMMA
I’ve been getting strange letters from a man. I’ve gotten about 3 in the last month.
CRISPIN
Do you still have the letters?
EMMA
Only two, I threw out the other. They upset me.
Emma goes to her dresser and pulls out an envelope containing a letter with newspaper letters glued to it.
EMMA
Gary, the bartender, told me not to worry. That they were just from an obsessed fan and that nothing will come of it, but I’m scared.
Emma hands the letters to Crispin and he examines them. One reads “I’m watching you, I like to watch you.†The other reads “It won’t be long now, we will be together. Soon.â€
CRISPIN
Have you gone to the police?
EMMA
I tried to, but they said that they couldn’t do anything unless he actually did something.
CRISPIN
Well I have a couple friends downtown that I can send this to. They might be able to find out where the letters are coming from.
EMMA
[Hugs Him]
Oh thank you!
CRISPIN
You’re welcome. In the meantime, I want you to lay low and try not to go out too much. Here’s a number where you can reach me at in case you need some help.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
I lied to her. The only friend I had was the old fern that I never watered, but I couldn’t let her down. I decided to go to my office to examine the letters further.
Crispin leaves the Dressing Room the same way he did when he came in passing a SHORT MAN. The short man knocks on Emma’s door.
EMMA
Did you forget something?
SHORT MAN
[Nervously]
Good Evening Miss. I was watching your show tonite and I was wondering if I could get an autograph?
EMMA
Uh . . . . yeah, sure.
The Short Man hands her a piece of paper to sign and when she goes to write, he strikes her with his fist knocking her unconscious.
FADE OUT
FADE IN ON
3. INT, NIGHT – CRISPIN’S OFFICE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I got back to my office there were papers and things thrown about. The place looked like it had been ransacked. Just the way I’d left it. I went over to my desk and examined the letters that Emma had given me. Looking at the letters I was unable to find any distinguishing markings. There didn’t appear to be any fingerprints, whoever had made the letters knew what they were doing. There had to be more to the letters than I could immediately see. They gave me a bad vibe. I decided to take a break and have a drink. Snowflake became blizzard.
4. INT, DAY – CRISPIN’S OFFICE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I came to the next day the bottle was empty and I was no closer to finding out who sent the letters. I eventually noticed that a few of the letters were stuck to my face. When I pulled them off I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed it before. One of the letters had some markings on it. They looked like they were a part of a code. It seemed familiar but I couldn’t quite place where. Then it came to me, the library. The paper contained part of an address. I went to my computer and ran a search of local libraries.
FADE IN ON
5. INT. DAY – LIBRARY
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
A young woman was behind the counter reading a book. She looked as though she had lost all interest in her job and could care less that I had walked through the door. Glancing around I couldn’t see what I was looking for so I went up to the woman to ask if she knew where it came from.
CRISPIN
Excuse me I was wondering if you could help me with something?
WOMAN
Uh Huh.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
She answered but never stopped reading. I paused to see if she’d look at me but that wasn’t going to happen.
CRISPIN
If I were to show you something with a stamp on it, would you be able to tell me what book it came from or whether or not you have it?
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
The woman rolled her eyes, closed her book turning to look at me for the first time.
WOMAN
Fine. Alright what do you have?
CRISPIN
Actually it’s on this piece of paper, I was wondering if you could tell me what book that it might have come from?
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
The woman stood there with a perplexed look on her face. She eventually proceeded to examine the paper. She analyzed it carefully. She seemed to have recognized it.
WOMAN
I think I’ve seen the book I just can’t remember which one. Here come with me. I think I know where it is.
They walk over to a shelf that has many books in it. Looking for a minute she finds the spot where the book would be. Confused she looks at Crispin
CRISPIN
Would you know who might have taken it out recently?
WOMAN
Actually it’s supposed to be here, but I can look in the computer for you.
Looking in the computer she discovers that the book has been taken out many times by a man by the name of Jimmy Jones.
CRISPIN
Do you know the name of the person who took it out most recently?
WOMAN
Sure, hang on I’ll print it out for you.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
She disappeared into the back for a few moments and returned with a sheet of paper. On it was the name of the person who had taken out the book the most times and recently. Both were a man named Jimmy Jones. It was a long shot but at least I had a name. I thanked the woman and began to look for Mr. Jones. I needed to check my computer back at my office. After an exhausting 3 min search I came across Jones’s name. He works for shipping and receiving in an office complex downtown. It was time to pay Mr. Jones a visit.
FADE OUT
FADE IN ON
6. INT, DAY – SHIPPING AND RECEIVING
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
By the time I found the place it was almost quitting time. I hoped that Jones hadn’t gone home early and was still there. I asked around with a few people and they pointed me in Jimmy’s direction. Apparently he was affectionately known around here as “Jimmy TWO TOES†there seemed to have been an accident in the past causing him to lose all but TWO TOES. Clever. Half-wit aside I found Two Toes unloading boxes.
CRISPIN
Excuse me. Are you Jimmy Jones?
TWO TOES
What can I do for you?
CRISPIN
The name’s Conrad, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?
TWO TOES
Sure I’m almost done here, shoot.
CRISPIN
Have you recently been to the Midnight Lounge?
TWO TOES
[continually working]
Nope can’t say that I have, isn’t that that University hang out?
CRISPIN
Yeah, would you know a young woman by the name of Emma?
TWO TOES
Nope, the only Emma I know is my Aunt Emma and she ain’t exactly young.
CRISPIN
Have you recently taken out a book from the library called “The Poisoned Pawn�
TWO TOES
[Pauses, raises an eyebrow]
Yeah, my boss gets me to take that out for him. He really likes that the book, it’s all about chess. What’s this all about anyway?
CRISPIN
Well it seems that a young woman has been getting some strange letters and I told her that I’d look into it.
TWO TOES
Sorry I can’t help you anymore than that Mac. I have to get back to work here.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
Talking to Two Toes didn’t give me the information that I wanted, but I could tell that he knew more than he was saying. As I turned to leave I suddenly felt a sharp pain and everything went dark.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
7. INT, NIGHT – WAREHOUSE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I finally regained consciousness I awoke to find that I couldn’t move my arms and legs. I wasn’t sure but the fact that I was tied to a chair might have something to do with it. I tried to look around and get my bearings but everything was dark. How long had I been out? From the looks of things I was in an old abandoned warehouse. I didn’t like where this was going. From the distance I could hear footsteps walking towards me.
SHORT MAN
Well it appears that you have regained consciousness. My friend here tells me that you have been asking a lot of questions.
In the corner we see Two Toes and he is holding Emma at gunpoint. She is duct taped and fully conscious.
SHORT MAN
Our plans seem to have taken an unexpected turn because of you. No matter, we’ll just have to dispose of you when we are done with the girl. Jimmy you stay here and watch our new guest. Make sure that he is “comfortableâ€. I am going to chat to the young lady in private.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
Well I’m sure none of this was good. I didn’t like the sound of Stumpy talking to Emma. Somehow I doubted he was going to ask her opinion on drapery. Being bound to a chair with Chuckles in the room wasn’t going to be all sunshine and bubbles either. I had to get free and rescue Emma. Luckily there was a jagged edge on the chair. I just had to keep Chuckles distracted long enough to untie my hands. I decided to play stupid.
CRISPIN
I don’t suppose I could convince you to let me go if I pay you double what he’s paying you?
TWO TOES
You couldn’t afford me.
CRISPIN
Why are you doing this? What do you want with the girl?
TWO TOES
That’s for the boss to find out.
CRISPIN
I don’t understand what you want with the girl. Does she know something?
TWO TOES
Shut up.
CRISPIN
A-HA, that’s it isn’t it?
TWO TOES
. . . .
CRISPIN
She knows something and he is in there getting the information from her right now.
TWO TOES
I said Shut the hell up!
CRISPIN
What does she know that is so important? Does she have something on you guys?
TWO TOES
. . . . .
CRISPIN
I’ll bet that she has some incriminating photos of the 2 of you spending a passionate evening together. That’s it isn’t it? So who’s the butch and who’s the bitch?
TWO TOES
OH THAT’S IT!
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
Chuckles moved towards me just as I was able to free my hands. I quickly got up and threw the chair at him missing him completely. I never was good at throwing stuff. I figured my Karate was better so I threw my best kick at him.
Two Toes catches the kick and punches Crispin in the face knocking him to the ground.
CRISPIN
Is there a draft in here?
Two Toes knocks him to the ground again.
CRISPIN
If I’d wanted a kiss I’d have called your mother.
A fight ensues and Two Toes begins to beat the crap out of him.
CUT TO:
8. INT, NIGHT – WAREHOUSE, BACK ROOM
SHORT MAN
Murderer, I am not fond of that term. One would imagine a fool with a knife. Running around and lurking in shadows in the dead of the night, it all sounds so . . . sloppy.
[beat]
[pulls out assortment of scalpels]
Now Sadism. There is a word with some elegance and grace.
Some . . . intention. To maim, and to hurt. To torture without death, now that is an art. An orchestra of exact precision and timing. Sadism. Sadist......Sadist.
[Turns to Emma]
There is a disk that has recently come into your possession. I know the professor sent it to you. I want that disk. The professor made the mistake of not giving me what I want, but you look like an intelligent girl, you will give me what I want. That wouldn't be too much trouble would it?
EMMA
I don’t know what disk you’re talking about.
SHORT MAN
[moves to her ear]
Tsk tsk tsk. Shhhhh, do you hear that?
[Pulls out a scalpel]
The orchestra's just about to begin.
Emma looks at the scalpel and begins to panic. She notices on the floor a 2x4. Thinking quickly she exclaims.
EMMA
I have to go to the bathroom!
Puzzled by the odd remark, the Short Man pauses.
SHORT MAN
I see no harm in that.
The Short Man undoes her arms and legs to let her go to the bathroom. Emma hits him with the 2x4 that is in front of her rendering him unconscious.
CUT TO:
9. INT, NIGHT - WAREHOUSE
After being beaten senseless, Two Toes is about to finish the job. Crispin is a crumpled heap on the floor and bleeding. Suddenly a loud thump can be heard and Two Toes screams in agony dropping unconscious to the floor. Emma is standing there with a 2x4. She throws the board to the ground and checks to see if Crispin is okay.
CRISPIN
. . . . ugghh did I get him?
EMMA
Yes, now let’s get out of here.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
10. INT, NIGHT – EMMA’S APARTMENT
Crispin is sitting on the couch holding an ice pack to his head. Emma is trying to dab his cuts with Peroxide.
CRISPIN
How the hell did you get away?
EMMA
2x4. I was able to club him when he untied me.
CRISPIN
[odd look]
. . . okay?
EMMA
He was asking me about the Professor at the University
CRISPIN
Professor?
EMMA
Professor Wellington. I work for him sometimes after school. He’s been working on something that he says will revolutionize the world as we know it.
CRISPIN
What’s that?
EMMA
I have no idea. I’ve never seen any of his research. A few weeks ago he gave me a DVD to hold on to. He said that if anything were to happen to him that I should give it to the police.
CRISPIN
What was on it?
EMMA
I don’t know, it was encrypted, but I knew it was important so I hid it.
CRISPIN
That must be what the little guy was looking for in your dressing room. Where is it?
EMMA
I hid it back at the University. I can show you where it is.
CRISPIN
No, it’d be smart if you don’t go back there or here for that matter. We should get out of here. Here is a number of a hotel where you can hide out for a while. I’ll check out the University when I get the disk I’ll contact you.
EMMA
But . . .
CRISPIN
No questions. I’ll get a hold of you when I have the disk. Now get outta here.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
11. INT, NIGHT – UNIVERSITY
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I got to the University it was after the doors were locked. I was going to have to avoid security. I’d asked Emma how to get to the disk but I should have paid more attention. I was lost and had no idea where I was. Looking about the University it was much larger than I had anticipated. It was not going to be easy to find the room. As I was looking around it occurred to me that Chuckles and Shorty may have decided to look here as well. Whatever was on that disk they wanted it bad, bad enough to kill a young woman and perhaps the professor. Everything was beginning to look the same when it suddenly came to me.
CRISPIN
WOAH!
Crispin is startled and jumps backwards. Standing in front if him is Emma.
CRISPIN
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
[grabs her arm, and whispers]
I told you to go to the Hotel!
EMMA
Well when I told you where to go, you looked like your eyes were glazing over and didn’t know what I was talking about.
CRISPIN
What?! I know exactly where I am.
EMMA
Then why are you on the wrong floor?
CRISPIN
[BEAT]
. . . Shut up! The point is that I told you not to come here.
Just as Crispin finishes talking, gun shots can be heard around the corner. Both startled they turn to look what is going on. On the ground is a dead security guard and The Short Man and a WELL DRESSED GENTLEMAN are standing over him. They spot Crispin and Emma.
SHORT MAN
[Shoots gun]
HEY!
CRISPIN
RUN!!
Emma and Crispin run around the corner with the Well Dressed Gentleman on hot pursuit. They run down hallways and corridors trying to lose them. Eventually they find a place to crouch down and hide.
EMMA
[whispering]
We have to get to that disk before they do.
CRISPIN
Somehow I doubt this disk is worth dying for.
EMMA
The Professor thought it was.
CRISPIN
We don’t know that he’s dead.
Emma just looks at him.
CRISPIN
Alright for the time being we’ll assume he is.
A bullet hits the wall beside his head. They run in the opposite direction and the Short Man follows. A few hallways come and go when Crispin and Emma are stopped by the Well Dressed Gentleman. The Short Man is behind them. They are trapped. Knowing that they can’t get out of it, Emma and Crispin give up. The Short Man tells Emma to get the disk and she leads them to the lecture theatre to get the disk. She gets the disk from its hiding place and hands it over to the short man.
SHORT MAN
At last! CARVER will be pleased to hear that we finally have the professor’s disk. Of course, this is bad news for the two of you I’m afraid. I must now complete my job and eliminate the both of you.
[Looks at Crispin]
With you being here makes it all the more plausible that she was killed by an obsessed fan. Once you’re dead all I have to do is make it look like you killed each other. Along with the notes that I sent it will be an open and shut case. I want to thank you for making my job that much easier. Bring them over here, this is going to be messy and I don’t want to get any blood on me.
FADE TO BLACK
TO BE CONTINUED
I need help with a 20 page script. I wrote it purely for a lighting excercise here at college. Since I was making it for a lighting excercise it was never intended to be seen by anyone other than professors. Here's the problem. I based a lot of the scenario on the Pandora Directive just for fun, but that descision has now bitten me in the ass. I have been making a TV show for the past 3 years. Now I have an existing pilot writtten and it is unrelated to this lighting excercise so it is not the problem. Oh yeah the problem. My professors have stated that I should shoot this script and use it as a sample for when I finally pitch my show in the Spring. Due to my "paying homage" to the Pandora Directive I now stand a chance of being potentially being sued. I must clearly state that I am NOT selling THIS story but I am shooting it. The purpose of sending it to the networks is in hopes of them buying my actual pilot script, and that this is merely a DEMO to get the flavour of how things might look. I am going to be attatching the script as it exists right now in the hopes that some of you in the community can help me take it as far AWAY from the Tex similarities as possible. If you find yourself interested in helping out I must state that the locations and characters cannot change. The dialogue is up for change but has to stay within the confines of the story. If you can help I deeply thank you as I need to shoot this in March so time is of the essence. If you have any suggestions please keep them in point for so I can make quick changes where need be. Thanks, here's the script:
1. INT. NIGHT – THE MIDNIGHT LOUNGE
FADE IN ON:
A local bar populated with patrons. A young woman is playing guitar and singing. Walking into the bar is our protagonist. CRISPIN is entering the bar and is our narrator in a 1st person narrative.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
The Midnight Lounge is a little bar that a lot of local talent performs at. I was told to meet a girl here by the name of EMMA. It wasn’t the kind of bar that I frequented. It was mostly populated with University types. I felt out of place so I walked up to the bartender and asked him if he knew who Emma was.
BARTENDER
What’ll you have Mac?
CRISPIN
Evening. Do you know a girl named Emma that might work here?
BARTENDER
Emma? Oh sure she’s up on stage right now.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
I looked over to the stage and saw a young woman playing guitar on stage. She looked like the kind of girl that belonged in a place like this. She must be one of the local University students.
CRISPIN
Is there any way I can talk to her for a few minutes? She asked me to meet her here.
BARTENDER
Sure, she’s about to finish up her set. I’ll introduce you to her when she gets off stage.
FADE OUT
FADE IN ON
2. INT. NIGHT – BACKSTAGE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When Emma finished up on stage the bartender brought me back to talk. He seemed a little suspicious of me until Emma assured him that it was alright.
CRISPIN
So what can I do for you Ms. Ashford?
EMMA
I called you here because you were referred to me by a friend. She said that you’d helped her out in the past and you might be able to help me.
CRISPIN
I try to help out when I can. What seems to be the problem?
EMMA
[PAUSES]
I think someone is trying to kill me.
CRISPIN
What makes you think that?
EMMA
I’ve been getting strange letters from a man. I’ve gotten about 3 in the last month.
CRISPIN
Do you still have the letters?
EMMA
Only two, I threw out the other. They upset me.
Emma goes to her dresser and pulls out an envelope containing a letter with newspaper letters glued to it.
EMMA
Gary, the bartender, told me not to worry. That they were just from an obsessed fan and that nothing will come of it, but I’m scared.
Emma hands the letters to Crispin and he examines them. One reads “I’m watching you, I like to watch you.†The other reads “It won’t be long now, we will be together. Soon.â€
CRISPIN
Have you gone to the police?
EMMA
I tried to, but they said that they couldn’t do anything unless he actually did something.
CRISPIN
Well I have a couple friends downtown that I can send this to. They might be able to find out where the letters are coming from.
EMMA
[Hugs Him]
Oh thank you!
CRISPIN
You’re welcome. In the meantime, I want you to lay low and try not to go out too much. Here’s a number where you can reach me at in case you need some help.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
I lied to her. The only friend I had was the old fern that I never watered, but I couldn’t let her down. I decided to go to my office to examine the letters further.
Crispin leaves the Dressing Room the same way he did when he came in passing a SHORT MAN. The short man knocks on Emma’s door.
EMMA
Did you forget something?
SHORT MAN
[Nervously]
Good Evening Miss. I was watching your show tonite and I was wondering if I could get an autograph?
EMMA
Uh . . . . yeah, sure.
The Short Man hands her a piece of paper to sign and when she goes to write, he strikes her with his fist knocking her unconscious.
FADE OUT
FADE IN ON
3. INT, NIGHT – CRISPIN’S OFFICE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I got back to my office there were papers and things thrown about. The place looked like it had been ransacked. Just the way I’d left it. I went over to my desk and examined the letters that Emma had given me. Looking at the letters I was unable to find any distinguishing markings. There didn’t appear to be any fingerprints, whoever had made the letters knew what they were doing. There had to be more to the letters than I could immediately see. They gave me a bad vibe. I decided to take a break and have a drink. Snowflake became blizzard.
4. INT, DAY – CRISPIN’S OFFICE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I came to the next day the bottle was empty and I was no closer to finding out who sent the letters. I eventually noticed that a few of the letters were stuck to my face. When I pulled them off I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed it before. One of the letters had some markings on it. They looked like they were a part of a code. It seemed familiar but I couldn’t quite place where. Then it came to me, the library. The paper contained part of an address. I went to my computer and ran a search of local libraries.
FADE IN ON
5. INT. DAY – LIBRARY
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
A young woman was behind the counter reading a book. She looked as though she had lost all interest in her job and could care less that I had walked through the door. Glancing around I couldn’t see what I was looking for so I went up to the woman to ask if she knew where it came from.
CRISPIN
Excuse me I was wondering if you could help me with something?
WOMAN
Uh Huh.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
She answered but never stopped reading. I paused to see if she’d look at me but that wasn’t going to happen.
CRISPIN
If I were to show you something with a stamp on it, would you be able to tell me what book it came from or whether or not you have it?
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
The woman rolled her eyes, closed her book turning to look at me for the first time.
WOMAN
Fine. Alright what do you have?
CRISPIN
Actually it’s on this piece of paper, I was wondering if you could tell me what book that it might have come from?
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
The woman stood there with a perplexed look on her face. She eventually proceeded to examine the paper. She analyzed it carefully. She seemed to have recognized it.
WOMAN
I think I’ve seen the book I just can’t remember which one. Here come with me. I think I know where it is.
They walk over to a shelf that has many books in it. Looking for a minute she finds the spot where the book would be. Confused she looks at Crispin
CRISPIN
Would you know who might have taken it out recently?
WOMAN
Actually it’s supposed to be here, but I can look in the computer for you.
Looking in the computer she discovers that the book has been taken out many times by a man by the name of Jimmy Jones.
CRISPIN
Do you know the name of the person who took it out most recently?
WOMAN
Sure, hang on I’ll print it out for you.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
She disappeared into the back for a few moments and returned with a sheet of paper. On it was the name of the person who had taken out the book the most times and recently. Both were a man named Jimmy Jones. It was a long shot but at least I had a name. I thanked the woman and began to look for Mr. Jones. I needed to check my computer back at my office. After an exhausting 3 min search I came across Jones’s name. He works for shipping and receiving in an office complex downtown. It was time to pay Mr. Jones a visit.
FADE OUT
FADE IN ON
6. INT, DAY – SHIPPING AND RECEIVING
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
By the time I found the place it was almost quitting time. I hoped that Jones hadn’t gone home early and was still there. I asked around with a few people and they pointed me in Jimmy’s direction. Apparently he was affectionately known around here as “Jimmy TWO TOES†there seemed to have been an accident in the past causing him to lose all but TWO TOES. Clever. Half-wit aside I found Two Toes unloading boxes.
CRISPIN
Excuse me. Are you Jimmy Jones?
TWO TOES
What can I do for you?
CRISPIN
The name’s Conrad, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?
TWO TOES
Sure I’m almost done here, shoot.
CRISPIN
Have you recently been to the Midnight Lounge?
TWO TOES
[continually working]
Nope can’t say that I have, isn’t that that University hang out?
CRISPIN
Yeah, would you know a young woman by the name of Emma?
TWO TOES
Nope, the only Emma I know is my Aunt Emma and she ain’t exactly young.
CRISPIN
Have you recently taken out a book from the library called “The Poisoned Pawn�
TWO TOES
[Pauses, raises an eyebrow]
Yeah, my boss gets me to take that out for him. He really likes that the book, it’s all about chess. What’s this all about anyway?
CRISPIN
Well it seems that a young woman has been getting some strange letters and I told her that I’d look into it.
TWO TOES
Sorry I can’t help you anymore than that Mac. I have to get back to work here.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
Talking to Two Toes didn’t give me the information that I wanted, but I could tell that he knew more than he was saying. As I turned to leave I suddenly felt a sharp pain and everything went dark.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
7. INT, NIGHT – WAREHOUSE
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I finally regained consciousness I awoke to find that I couldn’t move my arms and legs. I wasn’t sure but the fact that I was tied to a chair might have something to do with it. I tried to look around and get my bearings but everything was dark. How long had I been out? From the looks of things I was in an old abandoned warehouse. I didn’t like where this was going. From the distance I could hear footsteps walking towards me.
SHORT MAN
Well it appears that you have regained consciousness. My friend here tells me that you have been asking a lot of questions.
In the corner we see Two Toes and he is holding Emma at gunpoint. She is duct taped and fully conscious.
SHORT MAN
Our plans seem to have taken an unexpected turn because of you. No matter, we’ll just have to dispose of you when we are done with the girl. Jimmy you stay here and watch our new guest. Make sure that he is “comfortableâ€. I am going to chat to the young lady in private.
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
Well I’m sure none of this was good. I didn’t like the sound of Stumpy talking to Emma. Somehow I doubted he was going to ask her opinion on drapery. Being bound to a chair with Chuckles in the room wasn’t going to be all sunshine and bubbles either. I had to get free and rescue Emma. Luckily there was a jagged edge on the chair. I just had to keep Chuckles distracted long enough to untie my hands. I decided to play stupid.
CRISPIN
I don’t suppose I could convince you to let me go if I pay you double what he’s paying you?
TWO TOES
You couldn’t afford me.
CRISPIN
Why are you doing this? What do you want with the girl?
TWO TOES
That’s for the boss to find out.
CRISPIN
I don’t understand what you want with the girl. Does she know something?
TWO TOES
Shut up.
CRISPIN
A-HA, that’s it isn’t it?
TWO TOES
. . . .
CRISPIN
She knows something and he is in there getting the information from her right now.
TWO TOES
I said Shut the hell up!
CRISPIN
What does she know that is so important? Does she have something on you guys?
TWO TOES
. . . . .
CRISPIN
I’ll bet that she has some incriminating photos of the 2 of you spending a passionate evening together. That’s it isn’t it? So who’s the butch and who’s the bitch?
TWO TOES
OH THAT’S IT!
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
Chuckles moved towards me just as I was able to free my hands. I quickly got up and threw the chair at him missing him completely. I never was good at throwing stuff. I figured my Karate was better so I threw my best kick at him.
Two Toes catches the kick and punches Crispin in the face knocking him to the ground.
CRISPIN
Is there a draft in here?
Two Toes knocks him to the ground again.
CRISPIN
If I’d wanted a kiss I’d have called your mother.
A fight ensues and Two Toes begins to beat the crap out of him.
CUT TO:
8. INT, NIGHT – WAREHOUSE, BACK ROOM
SHORT MAN
Murderer, I am not fond of that term. One would imagine a fool with a knife. Running around and lurking in shadows in the dead of the night, it all sounds so . . . sloppy.
[beat]
[pulls out assortment of scalpels]
Now Sadism. There is a word with some elegance and grace.
Some . . . intention. To maim, and to hurt. To torture without death, now that is an art. An orchestra of exact precision and timing. Sadism. Sadist......Sadist.
[Turns to Emma]
There is a disk that has recently come into your possession. I know the professor sent it to you. I want that disk. The professor made the mistake of not giving me what I want, but you look like an intelligent girl, you will give me what I want. That wouldn't be too much trouble would it?
EMMA
I don’t know what disk you’re talking about.
SHORT MAN
[moves to her ear]
Tsk tsk tsk. Shhhhh, do you hear that?
[Pulls out a scalpel]
The orchestra's just about to begin.
Emma looks at the scalpel and begins to panic. She notices on the floor a 2x4. Thinking quickly she exclaims.
EMMA
I have to go to the bathroom!
Puzzled by the odd remark, the Short Man pauses.
SHORT MAN
I see no harm in that.
The Short Man undoes her arms and legs to let her go to the bathroom. Emma hits him with the 2x4 that is in front of her rendering him unconscious.
CUT TO:
9. INT, NIGHT - WAREHOUSE
After being beaten senseless, Two Toes is about to finish the job. Crispin is a crumpled heap on the floor and bleeding. Suddenly a loud thump can be heard and Two Toes screams in agony dropping unconscious to the floor. Emma is standing there with a 2x4. She throws the board to the ground and checks to see if Crispin is okay.
CRISPIN
. . . . ugghh did I get him?
EMMA
Yes, now let’s get out of here.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
10. INT, NIGHT – EMMA’S APARTMENT
Crispin is sitting on the couch holding an ice pack to his head. Emma is trying to dab his cuts with Peroxide.
CRISPIN
How the hell did you get away?
EMMA
2x4. I was able to club him when he untied me.
CRISPIN
[odd look]
. . . okay?
EMMA
He was asking me about the Professor at the University
CRISPIN
Professor?
EMMA
Professor Wellington. I work for him sometimes after school. He’s been working on something that he says will revolutionize the world as we know it.
CRISPIN
What’s that?
EMMA
I have no idea. I’ve never seen any of his research. A few weeks ago he gave me a DVD to hold on to. He said that if anything were to happen to him that I should give it to the police.
CRISPIN
What was on it?
EMMA
I don’t know, it was encrypted, but I knew it was important so I hid it.
CRISPIN
That must be what the little guy was looking for in your dressing room. Where is it?
EMMA
I hid it back at the University. I can show you where it is.
CRISPIN
No, it’d be smart if you don’t go back there or here for that matter. We should get out of here. Here is a number of a hotel where you can hide out for a while. I’ll check out the University when I get the disk I’ll contact you.
EMMA
But . . .
CRISPIN
No questions. I’ll get a hold of you when I have the disk. Now get outta here.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
11. INT, NIGHT – UNIVERSITY
CRISPIN
[NARRATIVE]
When I got to the University it was after the doors were locked. I was going to have to avoid security. I’d asked Emma how to get to the disk but I should have paid more attention. I was lost and had no idea where I was. Looking about the University it was much larger than I had anticipated. It was not going to be easy to find the room. As I was looking around it occurred to me that Chuckles and Shorty may have decided to look here as well. Whatever was on that disk they wanted it bad, bad enough to kill a young woman and perhaps the professor. Everything was beginning to look the same when it suddenly came to me.
CRISPIN
WOAH!
Crispin is startled and jumps backwards. Standing in front if him is Emma.
CRISPIN
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
[grabs her arm, and whispers]
I told you to go to the Hotel!
EMMA
Well when I told you where to go, you looked like your eyes were glazing over and didn’t know what I was talking about.
CRISPIN
What?! I know exactly where I am.
EMMA
Then why are you on the wrong floor?
CRISPIN
[BEAT]
. . . Shut up! The point is that I told you not to come here.
Just as Crispin finishes talking, gun shots can be heard around the corner. Both startled they turn to look what is going on. On the ground is a dead security guard and The Short Man and a WELL DRESSED GENTLEMAN are standing over him. They spot Crispin and Emma.
SHORT MAN
[Shoots gun]
HEY!
CRISPIN
RUN!!
Emma and Crispin run around the corner with the Well Dressed Gentleman on hot pursuit. They run down hallways and corridors trying to lose them. Eventually they find a place to crouch down and hide.
EMMA
[whispering]
We have to get to that disk before they do.
CRISPIN
Somehow I doubt this disk is worth dying for.
EMMA
The Professor thought it was.
CRISPIN
We don’t know that he’s dead.
Emma just looks at him.
CRISPIN
Alright for the time being we’ll assume he is.
A bullet hits the wall beside his head. They run in the opposite direction and the Short Man follows. A few hallways come and go when Crispin and Emma are stopped by the Well Dressed Gentleman. The Short Man is behind them. They are trapped. Knowing that they can’t get out of it, Emma and Crispin give up. The Short Man tells Emma to get the disk and she leads them to the lecture theatre to get the disk. She gets the disk from its hiding place and hands it over to the short man.
SHORT MAN
At last! CARVER will be pleased to hear that we finally have the professor’s disk. Of course, this is bad news for the two of you I’m afraid. I must now complete my job and eliminate the both of you.
[Looks at Crispin]
With you being here makes it all the more plausible that she was killed by an obsessed fan. Once you’re dead all I have to do is make it look like you killed each other. Along with the notes that I sent it will be an open and shut case. I want to thank you for making my job that much easier. Bring them over here, this is going to be messy and I don’t want to get any blood on me.
FADE TO BLACK
TO BE CONTINUED
Well here's what i got to say about the script.
As far as simularity to Tex goes, the only bits i really saw it shine through are when Emma is telling Crispin about the notes and the book titled, "The poisoned pawn".
I think both are easy fixes. You could work the dialogue around so Emma's perdiciment doesn't sound so much like Emily and the Black Arrow Killer. As for the book, i'm sure you could easily find another chess term for the title. Heck, is there any reason the book needs to be about chess? I couldn't really see one in what i just read.
Now even though this is purely to show the look of what your real show might be like, i think i should offer some criticism about the script nonetheless.
To me, the characters felt really flat. Aside from a couple quips now and then, there was nothing unique about Crispin and Emma didn't even seem to be the damsel in distress that i felt she should be.
To tell the truth, the only part of the script i felt character shine through was in the short monologue that the Short Man gave Emma when trying to extract the information of the disc out of her.
I realise the purpose of this is for look, but if this is a demo of what you can do to show networks, subpar writing might turn them off your actual project. This is not meant to be insulting. I think your script shows great potential, i just feel the characters need work.
As far as simularity to Tex goes, the only bits i really saw it shine through are when Emma is telling Crispin about the notes and the book titled, "The poisoned pawn".
I think both are easy fixes. You could work the dialogue around so Emma's perdiciment doesn't sound so much like Emily and the Black Arrow Killer. As for the book, i'm sure you could easily find another chess term for the title. Heck, is there any reason the book needs to be about chess? I couldn't really see one in what i just read.
Now even though this is purely to show the look of what your real show might be like, i think i should offer some criticism about the script nonetheless.
To me, the characters felt really flat. Aside from a couple quips now and then, there was nothing unique about Crispin and Emma didn't even seem to be the damsel in distress that i felt she should be.
To tell the truth, the only part of the script i felt character shine through was in the short monologue that the Short Man gave Emma when trying to extract the information of the disc out of her.
I realise the purpose of this is for look, but if this is a demo of what you can do to show networks, subpar writing might turn them off your actual project. This is not meant to be insulting. I think your script shows great potential, i just feel the characters need work.
Hey thanks, don't worry about the criticism. That is the whole reason why I put it up here. It's not great at all. (The real good stuff is in the pilot.) Feel free to pick it apart. To be honest not one of these characters is in the real pilot. Actually that's a lie the Well Dressed Gentleman is in the pilot, but there's millions of those guys out there.
You're right the book doesn't have to be about anything in particular, it could be on how to make shortbread cookies for all I care. It is of minimal consequence what the book is about. The letters are sort of where I have a problem. Should I just eliminate what is said on the letters or not even show them to avoid a Tex similarity . . . . or find a way to get rid of them all together? I have a feeling it should be the latter but that leaves for a massive reworking of the plot which takes time and time is a precious commodity that I do not have. I dunno what do you guys think?
You're right the book doesn't have to be about anything in particular, it could be on how to make shortbread cookies for all I care. It is of minimal consequence what the book is about. The letters are sort of where I have a problem. Should I just eliminate what is said on the letters or not even show them to avoid a Tex similarity . . . . or find a way to get rid of them all together? I have a feeling it should be the latter but that leaves for a massive reworking of the plot which takes time and time is a precious commodity that I do not have. I dunno what do you guys think?
Well instead of her keeping the old letters, she could have thrown them all out except the latest because it was then she realised that this guy might be serious.
Also perhaps instead of a stalker angle on the letters, they could be referring to the disc. "I know you have it", "Give it to me or die!"
That sorta thing.
Also perhaps instead of a stalker angle on the letters, they could be referring to the disc. "I know you have it", "Give it to me or die!"
That sorta thing.
Okay so no one else has any suggestions? Everyone thinks that's good enough to seperate this story from the Tex Universe? I would have thought there would be all kinds of suggestions of things to change. Well thanks anyway guys. I'll make these few suggestions and take it from there. Unless there is other stuff that should be changed. I won't be shooting this for a couple weeks (longer if the province chooses to strike) so feel free to keep the ideas for changes flowing.
I have to agree with Atomicvegetable about the characters who seemed a little flat. Not that it's a bad thing seeing as how the characters are meant to be shown visually but I still somehow missed a bit of description of the characters - what they were wearing - how they looked - what they were like. Any idea that might give me a better visual of the character in my head while reading it. I guess that's something that needs to be taken into consideration when the big guys start reading it.
Otherwise I don't think there are a whole lot of other Tex-related stuff other than the things that AT pointed out. Although I did for some reason get a feeling of breaking into Autotech for Lucia Pernell's disc when I read about Crispin "breaking into" the University for Emma's disc, but then again - that situation could happen in any movie or series, so I guess it's not all that remarkable
Otherwise I don't think there are a whole lot of other Tex-related stuff other than the things that AT pointed out. Although I did for some reason get a feeling of breaking into Autotech for Lucia Pernell's disc when I read about Crispin "breaking into" the University for Emma's disc, but then again - that situation could happen in any movie or series, so I guess it's not all that remarkable
.
That's funny, sorry about the lack of description guys but I wrote it for my fellow classmates to play so I didn't really need character descriptions. Remember this thing was never intended to be seen by anyone other than professors. It just seems to keep growing larger by the day. Anyway I'll tell you what, when I get the demo finished I'll try and post the entire movie clip somewhere so everyone can see the final product. Just need to find a large enough space on the web for a 20 min (ish) movie.