I've been away for a while, honestly don't know why. Been quiet the last few months, and withdrawn. Pretty bad when you don't even want to socialize on the computer, much less at all.
I got a doggy now though, and it's lifted my spirits.
If I can, I'll see if I can't get a cellphone pic to post on here. He's the cute, but gets into a lot of trouble. And for some odd reason that's just what I needed. Unfortunately it's not what he needs because I lack the firm hand for discipline. So he pretty much gets away with everything with a tongue lashing.
Glad to see you guys's posts. I have read some of them from time to time, but I know I missed a lot. I'd really like to give you an in depth look into my psyche and tell you why I haven't felt like posting, but I couldn't really tell you myself. I have a bad habit of making friends and abandoning them, with no fault from them. A real bad habit.
To any who may feel that way, I apologize, and can offer no real explanation other than sometimes I can become very anti-social. For months at a time. And it's been like this a lot since my father passed.
Now I know when it comes to any other message board out there in internet land that comes with the territory, and a blind eye is turned to people who do that because hey ... it's just a message board after all. But correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought this place was different. You can learn from the incredibly knoweldgeable and wise people here, laugh at the humor of others, and we all shared a passionate love for adventure gaming, and the Tex Murphy series. Nobody flames. Nobody says LOL STFU and GTFO NOOB! And I know we say this all the time. We've all said it time and time again. But the fact that it does get said over and over proves that it is no fluke. It's comfortable to post here and not have to worry if you're gonna stay something stupid.
Of course I get away with that by typing incredibly stupid stuff every once in a while to make it look like it's normal for me.
Well I hope everyone's holiday season was great! I was invited to go to two different turkey dinners, but I politely declined both. I just ... I dislike gatherings anymore. Something about groups of people in the same place makes my heart do cartwheels. Never used to be like that. I get all paranoid about what people are thinking, and then I think they are thinking bad things about me, then I it makes me mad, and like ... the whole time I could be totally wrong. People are starting to annoy me as a society. The way things happen in everyday life. The way the lady at the grocery store says "Have a nice day" in that obviously fake sparkly happy voice she does. I just wanna tell her to shove her nice day.
God I've become mean spirited. The girls at work are convinced if I ever get to be an elderly man, that I'll be the most cantankerous old coot there ever was screaming at young children to get off my damn lawn, and to take their damn pokemon with them.
But anyway. Hi guys.
Jeez I feel like I just made a journal entry. Only people will read it. And strangely that doesn't bother me. Maybe I just want people to hear the madness that consumes me. I want people to understand things from my point of view. I want them to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not evil. I'm not a bad person. But when you're quiet and withdrawn, and hear some of the things that have been coming out of my mouth lately, you wonder. But honestly these feelings I feel of antisocialness, and such ... they all stem from .. you see, I can't answer that question. Most people would just say because your dad died, but I don't think that is it. I dunno maybe it is, but it's just like too cliche for that to be what it is. Every time you go to a shrink, it's always your parents. Maybe I just want to the reason to be rooted in something else, because that way it would be unique.
I was supposed to end this a paragraph ago, but something compels me to keep typing. So I will. I figure if you're were interested in anything Mr. Thomas Malloy had to say, you wouldn't mind, and if you didn't you skipped the post all together anyway. I was thinking I was going insane. Like .. cuckoo nuts .. but someone told me that if you still have cognitive reason enough to think your insane and be worried about it, chances are you're not. So that was good. But somehow, someway, I have my doubts. Tell me ... when I say "Everyone in the world does not have to act like, and be like everyone else in the world and where I live I have the freedom to do what is comfortable for me within the parameters of the law", am I saying that because I believe it, and that being yourself is a freedom that we should all enjoy, or am I just saying it to get out of traditional obligations like Thanksgiving. I just realized I typed obligations. I do feel like it's an obligation, and not a fun activity. It's like ... a tradition that has been around forever and I'm just ... not a stickler for tradition. I think outside the box.
I had someone offer me life insurance the other day, and for some odd reason it just apalled me. To think that you have to pay money to die. That's like ... the weirdest tradition we as humans have. We have to pay someone to put you in a nice box and place you six feet under in a predetermined plot of dirt next to a whole bunch of other people you don't even know. And we accept this as tradition, and don't think of any alternatives when someone dies. Because anything else would be a disgrace of the dead, or something. You don't even dare utter what I want for myself. I told my brother to wrap me up in newspaper, find a bridge and dump me. Now this is a bit extreme and was just a joke when I told him, but seriously, the way I think, when I die ... I'm not gonna really care what happens to the shell I'm in now. It'll be gone to never return. The Egyptians did it because they thought they'd be able to use the body in the next life, or something to that extent, I think. But why do we keep doing it? Is it religion? Is it tradition? Why don't people just bury their own dead in the back yard sans the box? What's the damn difference to them? Do we do it for ourselves so that we may somehow feel better about the whole ordeal?
No I came to the decision that when I die, I want science to have my body. At least the would be the one productive thing I'd be able to contribute to society.
In society we're all consumers. That's the name of the game. Buy and sell. If you think about it, it's all we think about. Every little facet of life, every piece, every little fiber all comes down to money. Some people are creative and contribute in a meaningful way to society, but usually only as a means to make more profit.
Someone once told me that there are snippits of brilliance in my writing. But only snippits. Somehow, like the brilliance is there, but there is a lot of muck in the way, mucking it up.
Maybe I have ADD.
But you know, the main reason why I'm so quiet and withdrawn is because who wants to tell everybody that you're like .. ADD or something. They'll think you're crazy or something. Who knows, I probably am. But you know, crazy isn't all bad.
If you made it this far congratulations you win a free steak!
Peace guys
