Unofficial Tex Murphy

"When you're in your casket, and friends and family members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Edwin said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Robert commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Bert said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "

What would Helen Keller be doing if she were alive?

Screaming and clawing at the inside of the casket.

(Told to me by a special ed teacher)

both of those gave me a good chuckle! Thanks guys!

-Cub. =o)

One day Fred complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Fred figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

Ye'v th' tennis elbow. Soak yer arm in warm water. Avoid heavy liftin'. It will be better in two weeks' time.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Yer tap water is too 'ard. Get a water softener. Yer dog has worms. Get'm some vitamins. Yer wee daughter is usin' cocaine. Put'r in a rehabilitation clinic. Yer wife is pregnant wi' twin girls. They're nae yers. Get yersel' a lawyer. An' if ye cannae quit yer wankin', yer tennis elbow willnae get better.

-Fred

That's some good Scottish dialect, Fred! Where'd you learn that?

From ma travels inna oarient! Av studdid wi' scottish monks in Tibet!

Actually, it's from my time spent playing World of Warcraft. There were lots of scotsmen on the server I played on. Good times.

-Fred

If anyone asks, stick with the Tibet story--it sounds cooler.

Aye lad, keinda does, dunnit?

Oh, by the way; Between my last post and this one, I went out to a job interview for a summer-job at a local laboratory, which is exactly what I graduated in. And I got the job then and there! Yay!

Nine weeks this summer that I won't have to think about what to do. And there'll be cash-a-plenty Might even go so far as to acquire myself a driver's license! T'is a good day.

-Fred

Well congrats on gainful employment! And a nice bit of money!
With any luck it'll springboard you into something full time.

all my best!

That's my hopes! Thank you Jen

-Fred

Blow the money on candy and video games!

Or, a driver's license...your call.

Candyyyy... Videogaaaaaames... *drooling sound*

That's my Homer Simpson-impersonation right there!

-Fred

And a darn fine one it is.