Ye ole jokes thread. :D

SL, you have WAY too much time on your hands.

P.S. Good for you!

Jim the old guy wrote:SL, you have WAY too much time on your hands.

P.S. Good for you!

What if I told you I took the time to translate those?

It seems to me there was a differentversion of the doctor joke you told. Actually I think they're are a million different versions. My favorite was

Doc: Well I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Well, give me the good news.

Doc: You have 24 hrs. to live.

Patient: What?!? If that's the good news, what the heck is the bad news?!?

Doc: I should have told you this 23 hours ago ...


______________

Oh but wait! There's more! The lamest joke ... ever ...

A piece of string walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender takes one look at the piece of string, and frowns. He grabs him ties him into a knot, and kicks his ass out onto the dusty rocks of the street, yelling out after him ..."We don't serve your kind here!" The bartender goes back to work, forgetting the entire incident. Not two minutes later, the string, still tied up, and now all dusty from the road walks right back into the bar, sits down, and says... "I really came along way ... can I please have a drink" ... the bartender smirked and said ...

"Frayed Knot .. "

AHAHAHAHAH!!!! I KILL MYSELF!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

______________
Three men simultaneously find a genies lamp on the top of the empire state building. The genie appears and says "well since the three of you found me, I can still only grant three wishes. So, what I will do is this. You will run, and leap off the edge of the building and make your wish. When you do so, I will grant it ..."

"The first guy nods his head, rubs his hands together and runs off the roof and yells "I wish I were a screaming lethal eagle!" POOF he turned into a gigantic bird of prey and swooped low onto the unsuspecting populace.

The second guy nodded his head, and nervously looked over the edge before jumping and saying "I wish I were an indestructible 747 jet, so I can see the world without fear of death" ... and immedieatly his body was turned into the metal that he wished to be, and he flew off into the sunset ..
Now the third man .. he was scared of heights. He looked over the side of the roof with terror, and looked at the genie and said ... "Is there any other way we can do this?"

And the genie said "alas there is not ..."

So the third man gulped, and got all his emotions together. Thought about what he want, and ran with all his might to the edge of the building. Right when he was about to jump however his foot hit a brick that wasjutting up out of the surface of the roof, and he went tumbling off ... He'd only got a few words out when it happened ... "I wish I were ... HOLY $#it!!!"

Doctor: I'm sorry Mr. -----, I'm afraid you only have 5 minutes to live...

Patient: Oh my God! is there anything I can do?!

Doctor: You can boil an egg

-Bests, Rockefeller

I think I may have told this one before in an old thread, but I love it. It's a blond-guy joke.

There were three high-rise construction workers. An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy. At lunch time, the Irishman opens his lunch box and says, "Oh no, not kidney pie again! If I have kidney pie one more time, I'm gonna jump."

The Mexican guy opens his lunch box - "Oh no! Not tocos again. If I eat another toca, I'm gonna jump"

The blod guy opend his lunch- "Peanut butter! If I get peanut butter again, I'm gonna jump too."

Next day.

The Irishman opens his lunch. Kindey pie. He jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch. Tocos. He jumps.

The blond guy opens his lunch. Peanutbutter! He jumps.

At the funeral, the wives are talking. "Gee, if I knew Brian didn't want kidney pie, I would have made him something else." The Mexican's wife adds, "Yeah. I could have made Jose enchaladas or something if I knew he was so tired of tocos. Such a tragedy." Then they look at the blond guy's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me." she says. "He makes his own lunch."

Here's another one I kind of like. It's cute and appropriate for kids:

What did one baby chick say to the other when it saw an orange in the nest?

Hey, look at the orange mama laid.

DrPaul wrote:Here's another one I kind of like. It's cute and appropriate for kids:

What did one baby chick say to the other when it saw an orange in the nest?

Hey, look at the orange mama laid.

Here's one of a chick not for kids and best told quick (:D):
Do you know the story of the chick without a**hole? Tried to fart and exploded

Also, of blondes (here we tell about blonde women):

How do you know that a blonde used the computer?
- There's liquid paper on the screen.

How do you know another blonde used the computer?
- Something's written on the liquid paper

Wife: "When are you going to quit drinking? You spend a fortune on booze and it affects our marriage."

Husband: "OK! I will quit drinking!"

So he quits drinking and the wife goes out and spends $50.00 on cosmetics. He asked her why.

Wife: "So I good look better for you."

Husband: "Why do you think I was drinking?"

Here are several short ones and one-liners...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, it's not unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Jerry Dan wrote: 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was salted.

I think that one is meant to be:

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

OR

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.


The others are pretty damn funny though! Well done.

-Cub. =o)

Too true, Cub. I'm missing an "a".

This is one of those jokes where you insert an american as person A, and a canadian as person B, or an englishman and an irish, or a norwegian and a swede. You get the point. So I'll insert myself and the anonymous Jay Tohg

Fred and Jay were out in the woods, hunting, when all of a sudden, Fred falls over, blue in the face, not breathing. Hurriedly, Jay whips out his cellphone and calls 911. "911, what is your emergency?" the lady asks. "My friend here fell over, he's not breathing! Oh dear god I think he's dead!" replies Jay. "Now, do not panic." says the lady. "First of all, you need to make sure he's truly dead. Can you do that?" The sound effect coming through her receiver is KCHK-CHK! BANG!! ...followed by Jay Tohg's voice: "Okay. Now what?"



-Fred

Presidential briefing

President Bush's morning security briefing was wrapping up. Donald Rumsfeld was concluding his part by saying, "Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday near Baghdad."

Bush shrieks, and buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds.

Stunned at the unexpected display of emotion, the president's staff sits speechless, not sure how to react.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld, "How many is a brazillion?"