Unofficial Tex Murphy

For a while, I felt as though I was the least amongst a legion of great people in terms of who I was, where I was educated, and my current line of work. Well now, I'm sitting at my computer, highly intoxicated, and spending about 10 minutes typing a sentence because I want to try and spell everything right.

I no longer drive a truck. Which means two things.

1.) I will be around here a bit more, to help keep the faith for something "Tex Murphy"

2.) I work at McDonalds now, and I smell like french fries.

3.) Sometimes I wonder if I had stayed in school, or kept ambition, or just plain followed through on just one of my stinking goals in life, I wouldn't be a depressed, drunk, french fry smelling fat man at a computer telling the whole world (well the Tex world) that he's a loser.

And you know something. This all of a sudden looks to me like a post that says give me pity. But I want no pity. I am pityless, and I accept nothing. I get what I deserve. I'm ... still typing ...

ugh. I don't think I'm going to post this.

Oh what the hell. I'm posting it. Feel free to ignore it and let it drop off the face of the board. I need more Beam. At 6:46 AM ... Yes. Beam. Beautiful Beam. I love Beam. And Football. God the Bengals suck this year though. We're not like bungles sucking ... but we're not where I think we should be. I wish I could have Marvin Harrison's job.

I wonder if I'd be any better at Ninja Gaiden Black on Beam? I'm stuck at the Monastery, trying to take out the 60 enemies after finding the book of eons. I think I'll try that. Good night everybody.

Oh by the way, did you like my caption Jim? Heh. I thought it was kinda clever. You know like on two different levels clever. Rodney King was a victim of police brutality, and the police eat dougnuts and .. well ... yeah ...

I smell like fries. Ugh.

Let's see who's got the stones to comment on this post. I'm curious to see if anybody wants to at all, or just 'not touch it with a xx-foot pole'...

Myself, I say "skoal!"

-Fred

You sound like you have a choice to make. And you should, right now before you, forget how pitiful you feel right now and never become complacent with how you feel in your life again. I dont want you to feel okay about your situation. Its not too late to go back to school. Those dreams and goals that you had, they arent gone, you have just misplaced them. And if your going to tell me that you've lost that ambition, that you no longer feel worthy or able of chasing these goals. Then I'm gonna call you on your bullsh*t. Because you know. Life is damned short, and at the end we can either look back and see two things, either that we became complacent, or that we always tried.

Get off your ass now! Go back to school. Do whatever the hell you want to do in life because I damn garantee thats someone has done it before you, and that there situation was a lot more hopeless.

This is your day to realize that you still have a choice. Nothing is impossible. And its an interesting position that I am in, because I have no right to tell you what to do, but I am so go back to school. Its not a question of what you feel like doing. Once you get back there, and once you realize that your life isnt gone, you'll be able to make a difference.

Everything is going to be okay. Your going to achieve your goals. DONT make me wrong. I'm putting my confidence in you. And I'm going to speak for the rest of the group by saying that your accountable to all of us now. Just make the changes, now is best day.

Here's the deal Mr. Malloy, and I'd like to know your real name thank you very much.

It's during the REALLY dark times that you can have your true awakenings. I remember years ago crying in my car parked in the backside of movie theatre, and making a list to figure out how I was going to get myself out of a desperate and awful situation.

So you've got a Mc Job. Who cares? It's some money coming in, and it certainly beats standing on the street corner with a sign, looking for a handout.

It's absolutely NEVER too late to change what you don't like about yourself. You're overweight? Join the other 66% of us Americans. Ok, I'm going to do a little reveal here, and believe me, it makes me cringe to admit it. So best not to mention it to me later (or even now) guys, cause I'm REAL sensitive about it. Huge set of stressful circumstances that I'm not going to get into occured, and I got on the scale and really bawled, I'd never been heavier.
So this year I stuck to my guns, and lost 45 lbs. For a little 5 foot nothing girl that's quite a bit. I threw out all my old clothes to help me (hopefully) never get back there again. And I'm not mentioning it for 'atta girls " or any such sh#t like that. I just got to the point where I said ENOUGH. You got to get there too. And no one can make you do it, you have to be there. And if typing drunk at the computer at the wee hours of the morning to a set of folks you can trust helps you get there, hell, I'm all for it.


So, look at the good side. You're alive right? There are people we all love who can't say the same.

And we'll all be here if you need anything.
Truly.

Jen

Education courses and qualifications are always available at any age. When I was at college I did an optional evening course on web design (mainly just to get a certificate etc.), I was the youngest person there (about 17), Everyone else seemed to be over 25 years old, most in their 30s etc. You never stop learning so courses are always there if you want them. I don't know what kind of benefits system you have over there though to be able to afford a course.
If you can't get a course in the class then take advantage of the web and books etc. There's plenty of online courses and training videos etc. And they're most likely much cheaper due to less need of resources.
I do art and design, but some designers don't even go to art college/uni and are completely self-taught (and successful at what they do), so you don't necessarily have to sit in a classroom to learn.

It seems rough now but at least if you get the ball rolling on some things then you'll have something to look forward to at the end of the day.
I know some people who are perfectly happy to work in retail serving customers etc. because they don't mind it and at the end of the day they don't have any work to drag home, so they can chill out fully. At times I envy that because my work is with me almost all the time since there's so much to think about, my work is a big part of my life... But I wouldn't be able to have it any other way unfortunately, I like to put alot of creative effort into what I do. You obviously have aspirations and want work to be more than just something that 'happens' and I can understand that.

I say go for it. Then at least whislt your temporarily putting up with menial tasks, you can be thinking about working towards something else. Going back to the artist comparison again, alot of artists do menial tasks as a dayjob whilst working towards making their big break. So you're not alone in this and it's certainly not the end. The menial jobs are just a means to an end, an end that will be more that you want in life.

I hope something works out for you. Best of luck.

In my experience? The one thing you always end up short on in such situations is WILLPOWER. The will to do what you must to get out of your rut. I've been there. It ain't nice. Lack of willpower is a truly evil and vicious circle that one sooner or later has to break out of, one way or the other. 'Course, there are many ways to do so. One of them is anger. Another is hope. For me it was my own sense of wanting to help others. I realized that I cannot help others that I care about unless I help myself first. With that as motivation, willpower comes back to you and you feel alive again.

It's an electric feeling, having willpower, and being able to DO, not just REACT.

God speed.

-Fred

Jen wrote:And if typing drunk

Jen

Drunk? YOU? Unbelievable!

Jen wrote: I said ENOUGH.
Jen

I am sorry, Jennifer, but I think he didn't get it. I'll try to explain him more clear.

ХОРОШ!

Got it, Malloy?

You guys all know that I'm pretty well-educated, so I hope you won't take offense if I say that going back to school is not necessarily the answer.

The trouble with school is that it can cost a LOT of money, takes a long time to finish, and there is no guarantee that you will land a job in the field that you studied for. On the brighter side, however, people who do return to school (after being in the real world for a few years) tend to do better in school than the right-out-of-high-school folks. So, you know, it can work both ways.

Anyway, the best thing to do is to look carefully at your situation and try to see in what way it is an oportunity for you. Sometimes opportunities arrive in the strangest and most unexpected packages.

For instance, if you are working fewer hours and have less responsibility than you used to have, what kind of things do you now have the time and energy for that you never could before?

Personally, I have found periods of unemployment to be wonderful opportunities to do what I used to complain about being too busy for. Inventing, building, fixing things, helping people... Do you have a particular talent or skill that you now have the time to exploit? Now's your chance.

God don't make no mistakes. We always have what we need. It's up to us to use it.

Mr Malloy... are you pulling a Cub?

Either way I can guarantee that you are going to snap out of it, read your post, say to yourself "What was I thinking", thing hard about what you are going to say next, and then realise that the only thing you can do is stop documenting your failures and start embracing potential success!

You have a great suppor base here, many of us who have gone through similar situations ourselves, and whilst it's no fun having someone tell you "you will get over it", what you have to do is take the punches as they come, and keep on getting back up, and marching forward.

As Jen said, you a Mc Employee... no big deal, there are far worse jobs out there and at least you are making money which alrady puts you above 90% of the world's population.

you live in a house with a front door, that puts you above 85% of the worlds population.

You have a computer to talk to some of your best friends, that puts you about 88% of the world's population.

And you have the Tex murphy community with many people who care for you no matter who you are or what you do... that outs you above 99.9999998% of the world's population.

You are unique, and so are your dreams. Don't let them fade away at the face of despair... you deserve more than that.

-Cub. =o)

Loved your caption, TM. Very funny!

Well, what can TOG say? In the past I have drunk more Beam and Jack Daniels than Tex could ever imagine. Almost lost my wife over the booze. What did I do? Quit drinking, of course. Why? You know the reasons. If you want a starting point, lay off the liquor. Take it one step at a time. Each time you conquer a goal, the next one becomes easier.

You don't want pity? GOOD! But I, for one, can empathize with your situation. Been there, done that. And, here at 60, TOG is still hanging around and hanging in there. I'm here for ya, buddy.

Cubase wrote: Either way I can guarantee that you are going to snap out of it, read your post, say to yourself "What was I thinking", thing hard about what you are going to say next, and then realise that the only thing you can do is stop documenting your failures and start embracing potential success!

Oh dear lord, I did end up posting that. God I was smashed. I didn't have to work today so I spent most of the my morning swearing I would never drink again. Last night ... whoah. I was depressed.

Where do I start? To me I feel like maybe I owe an explanation, but in the back of my head I feel like the explanation may be just a bit idiotic, childish and maybe a bit selfish. I do feel down. I do feel like I've wasted potential, and I feel like I'm here on the world, but I'm not DOING anything other than enjoying and praising other people's successes other than my own. I think I'll answer each and everyone of the posts I've had in response to my own. (And god believe me when I say, I didn't expect such a reaction. Honestly, I don't remember alot of what I typed until I reread it this morning. All I know, was I was at a very low point in my life. The smell of fries and alcohol just makes you feel like you've really hit rock bottom, but as Cub said, it could be worse. I just felt like it could have been so much better.)

Freepizza - You know when I said I wished I would've have stayed in school, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I really mean High School. I never had the oppertunity to do High School. I don't have the pleasent memories most people have of those days. I dropped out in the ninth grade due to drugs, and other stupid things at the time. Going "back" to school really just isn't an option for me anymore. Oh, sure, I could go get a GED, or try college maybe, if someone rich funded it, but it wouldn't make me any happier. The job that I really wanted in life ... well, I just don't think it will ever come to fruition. I was really into drama all through middle school, and did a total of four school drama productions. In the first one, I had a small part in a really horribly acted, piece of trash piece, that the teachers had to actually stop the play in the middle, just to tell the kids watching they were being a very rude audience. The last three were my gems though. The second one I did, that very same year, was Charlie and The Chocolate factory, and I played the part of Willy Wonka. I made that character a part of myself for three months as I learned that part. I learned it so well, and had my own little personal touches to the character down so well, that the eighth graders in the audience stopped me in the hall for months to come, and told me they couldn't believe how (in their exact words) "Fn great you were" ... After that I did two more productions including another Willy Wonka role in the seventh grade. I loved acting, and I felt like I had a gift for it like none other ... Then I went the way of Robert Downey Jr ...

In ninth grade, my last year, I got hooked on cocaine, and pot, and simply quit school. I tried out for a lead part in one of the drama productions that year, nailed the lead role, and the lost it after I missed 3 rehearsal sessions in a row due to my stupidity and drug use. I ended up getting a part that had three lines in one act, and then didn't even show up the day we were to perform.

I guess what I'm really saying is my goal isn't really to go back to school. My goal is the farfetched "I wish I was DeNiro" goal that most people just don't get to see. It's frustrating. But that's all I really cared about for many years, until finally I just gave up and said, "Hey, I need money. Time to actually work I guess." I appreciate your advice, I truly do, however a return trip to school costs money, and that is just something I don't have. Nor do I feel like I'd do anything with extra education that could make me any more money than driving a truck. (Which is really a LOT of money if you're with the right company, which I plan to be in the future. McDonalds is temp.)

But I am willing to at least try and go after this farfetched goal no matter how farfetched it is. That I promise you, I will do.

Jen- First off, thank you for your kind words. My name is Michael. You know being overweight is an issue for me in more ways than one. I'm going to say some things now, that probably I shouldn't say, but for some strange reason, which later on in the post I will explain, I feel like I can say anything at all here. I used to be 215lb. At the time I felt like I was heavy. I'm 6'2, so you know, it didn't look so bad. Now I'm 308lb. No bullshit. This came in about 6 months. Again, no bullshit. And my body is not the body that is supposed to be carrying that kind of weight. So now, I don't just have to worry about dropping the pounds (which I'm in the process of doing), but if I'm ever going to get my body looking right again, I'm going to have to get plastic surgery, because gaining that much weight in that little of time has done irrepairable damage to my skin in stretch marks. And I'm not talking small ones here and there like pregnant women get. No I'm talking full on, bright red, butcher shop, strip bacon lookin stretch marks. EVERYWHERE. Needless to say, I don't go to the beach anymore. I don't go outdoors anymore much, for that matter. I'm so sensitive about it, the total amount of friends I have around where I live are ... Two. My Tv. And my computer. That's it. Sure, I have the whole "drug crowd" I used to know, but I'm off that, and never going back. So I can't get back into that. But anyway, I am to the point where I have said ENOUGH! Now I'm like ... Now what? But you're right. At least I am alive. As as much as I feel like that sounded like sarcasm just then, I swear it wasn't, because I do mean it. I do enjoy the bits and pieces of life that I get that are just sweet enough for me to savor. And I'm going to try and make that good enough for me. For now.

Sai- Yeah, the school thing isn't really what's bothering me, as I said above. But you're right about one thing. If I just started something. If I just made an effort to maybe "try out" for some kind of acting part. I could do that, AND work a nine to five, and probably be very happy about it. But now, comes the hard part ...

Fred- Willpower. Nothing has ever made more sense to me than what you typed. You nailed the nail on the head with that. Being able to DO and not React. That will be the hurdle that I can forsee in my future that is taller than a completed Tower of Babel. Sometimes, even as I type this I know it's silly, but sometimes I wish I were in an RPG, and had a code to max out my willpower. Then I'd have no problems. But the biggest problem, I feel .. is that even though I quit smoking pot, I didn't lose the biggest turn off of the drug in the first place, and that is the willpower to do stuff. Pot makes you not want to do anything at all. And for some reason, that part of the drug never wore off. I want to do stuff, in my head, but in reality, other things come first. Other things get the priority that shouldn't. I'd rather get off of work, and watch "mindless" tv programs. I'd rather spend my money on new generation gaming devices. And in the end what do these things do? They entertain, but all I'm doing is making someone else money who followed their dream and did what they wanted to do. I bet none of that made any sense. And I feel like I'm rambling.

Alex - .... .... Thanks anyway, as I know you mean well, but I sometimes don't understand your motivations behind your posts. It may just be the Russian way of speaking, and I don't know the culture or something. But I love you anyway, because you're part of a place I love ...

Dr. Paul - That is very inspirational, and you're very right. This extra time I have would serve me much better if I spent it doing something worthwhile. Something to further my "unattainable" goals. Anything to put a step in the right direction. I just don't think I'll be doing school ever again. I just don't think so. Of course the only other skill I have that I could put to use is console game playing, and after almost beating Ninja Gaiden Black in 3 days (one of them being drunk last night), somebody told me if I was that good, I should be online competing for money. I'd rather be acting but in lieu of that, if I could win a tournament or two ... Now after you quit laughing, let me just say, other than acting, videogame playing is pretty much been the only constant in my life since I dropped out of school ... I've gotten so good at it, it's stupid. ::shrugs:: Maybe I'll give it a go ...

Cub- You're absolutely right. And reading that did make a difference. As bad as I sometimes think I have it, I know, I'm not in the majority of the people who have it WAY worse than I do. And that's something I should always keep sight of no matter how bad I think things are getting for me. The first thing I plan on doing is not pulling anymore Cubs for a month or so ... at least ... You know, it's funny, because the night I said I was "pulling a cub" ... the only reason I said that was because my dad called, and I didn't really want him to know I was drinking, and I had been previously thinking about how I hadn't visited this board in a while, and I just told him I was "pulling a cub" which he didn't get, and laughed at loudly for about 20 seconds remembering those old drunken posts.

Jim - I think that is a very good first step, and I plan on doing that. For as long as I possibly can anyway. I always say "I'll never drink again", but for some reason I end up back on it again later. Then again, I don't want to "admit I have a problem" either. I don't have a problem. I just ... drink too much. That's not a problem. Just a pesty situation that needs to be fixed. God, I still feel a bit hungover and my head is pounding.


In closing I did want to tell you all, everyone who posted, everyone here that makes the community what it is something. It started out for me being a place where I joined like-minded people in discussion over Tex Murphy related stuff, and ended up being them most diverse, the most intelligent, and most caring people I've ever met on any message board ever. You don't normally find a board with people who care. But in some ways, I feel like even if we were to never get another Tex Murphy game, novel, or any of the like, I've come away from this message board knowing I've met, through text, some of the most memorable, funny, loving people I will ever meet in my entire life. And that says something. It says something to me when I wake up with a hangover, and see 9 posts in response to the depressed writings of a seeming madman. Thanks for your responses, and thanks for your help. I promise things can only get better.

Now I can quit embarrasing myself, and go back to my Cartman personality. Ugh.

You need not feel ashamed... it took a lot of guts you do what you did just now.

We're all proud of you.

^^^
Now print that out in large letters and put it in your wall, becuase when you feel down, just take a look and remember us and you will feel that inner drive kick back in.

Take care mate!

-Cub. =o)

P.S. You totally nailed that Cub pulling, btw.

Yeah, I agree with Cub. No need to feel any remorse for posting that. We all understand and if anything, it's an honour and credit to the community here that you did trust people here to post it. I think there's a saying that, admitting a problem is the biggest step towards solving it.

I remember I did a drama class at school and now wonder how I ever had the guts to get on a stage at all!
Drama does seem a little more tricky to get classes in and I guess my suggestion of online courses wouldn't work there. However you might be able to find amateur production groups that would take you on or adverts online/in papers for people looking for people for their small productions. You might start out just being an extra in plays or small film productions but it'd allow you to start taking a few steps in the right direction. I know someone who wants to get into acting and there's a small amateur productions group nearby who practice locally so I reccomended they tag along to one of their open rehearsal nights and get more info. Perhaps there's a small local group by you.

The video game tournament idea sounds fun. I think you're very lucky to be in America as I bet there's more chances of video game tournaments there. In the UK I've never heard of a proper tournament (yeah small ones alongside game shows... but nothing big). I miss the old Gamesmaster TV show which basically had mini game tournaments in it.

But yes... the other saying is "If there's a will, there's a way". I can appreciate that feeling of just wanting to just wile away the hours. I got addicted to an MMORPG recently (I had quit for a few years and then got back into it during the holidays when I had time to kill). But I found that it was all I wanted to do, ratehr than work I'd be thinking about the game etc. And I was having difficulty getting an important essay done. So I quit again and am all the better for it really as my current workload would of made a time-consuming MMORPG fatal for me. I wish you the very best in getting over the procastination bug, it gets us all and is so very tempting. But I'm sure if you think of the benefits and how much more fun you could have if you did what you ahd hoped to do, then it'll get easier.

Again, best of luck to you.

I can add a few things here about myself

I am almost blind i have 6% to 10% vision left in one eye nothing more.

I was told not to go to a higher adjucation becouse i would not be able to do it. Just to prove them all wrong i did a system programing adjucation and passed. (I dont have a job in that sector becouse of my eyes if i was normal i would have a job a company car in a matter of days) I chouse not to work as a programmer becouse it would be too mutch of a burdon on my remaining eyesight.

I was told i could not sky Well just to be obstanate i went skying 2 years with a special program ever blind skyer has one person taking care of him teling him to go left right and so on.

I did work as a helpdeks employee but i came home every day with headackes and being grumpy so i now dont have a job and only state benefits but i do all the housework loundry cleaning kooking i take alot longer to do it but i dont have a time clock pucking me.

What im trying to say is u can make the most out of every bad situation. peaple will always say this that but in the end it is what u want to do with your own live that counts.

And yes even i worked at Mc Donnals when i needed a income. i worked in the kitchen and u will know they dont play faforites for employees u got to work hard for a few bob.

And im geting a dog to motevate me to take walks and be outside more.