Unofficial Tex Murphy

Some of those remind me of one of my favorite comics, Steven Wright.

Ahem, (switching to half asleep, dead-pan delivery)

1. I just installed some skylights in my place. The people above me are furious.

2. I went to a clothing store and the salesman asked me: "How can I help you?" I said: "Do you have anything I would like?" He replied: "How do I know what you like?" I said: "Hey, you started this..."

3. I went to the store and bought a blank tape, came home, put it in my stereo and turned it up full blast. My neighbor complained.
He's a mime.

4. I got a full-body tattoo of myself, only taller...

(Okay, it's probably the delivery that makes these funny )

LOL, I'm laughin' as hell here!

Fred, here in Brazil we are used of making fun of Portuguese people, and I believe that's mostly because even though we speak the same language, they understand many things different from us Brazilians (lol @ Bush, btw). For instance, if you ask a Portuguese if he/she can help you, he/she is likely to answer "yes, I can" and continue with his business .
So I have about a ton, or a ton and a half Portuguese jokes (you may switch Portuguese for anything...)
===============
An English, a French and a Portuguese were lost on the middle of the Atlantic on a small boat, without wind or current, when, suddenly, they discover a bottle. They open it, freeing a Genie who grants them three wishes, but, since they are three men, each one gets only one. The Englishman screams:
- I miss my beloved Queen! Get me to Buckingham now!
The French:
- Too many days without a croissant! To Paris!
The Portuguese:
- I'm not paddling alone! I want them back!

A portuguese man comes home and finds his wife on the bed with his best friend. He goes for his gun and points it at his head. At the sight of this, his wife starts to laugh, so he tells her:
- Don't bother laughing, you're next!

A portuguese man kidnapps the son of the wealthiest man of all Europe. Atfer countless days of waiting, the family receives a letter that contains an ear:
- This is my ear, fulfill my demands of the next will be your son's!

On the last Olympic Games, the Portuguese representative starts to make the opening speech:
- O... O... O... O... O...
(this may take some time )


Now some one-liners about blondes:

1 - How does one neuron on a blonde's head die? Alone.

2 - How do you know a blonde sent that fax? There's a stamp on it.

3 - How do you keep a blonde busy? Write "TURN" on both sides of a paper.

SeuLunga wrote:Now some one-liners about blondes:

1 - How does one neuron on a blonde's head die? Alone.

2 - How do you know a blonde sent that fax? There's a stamp on it.

3 - How do you keep a blonde busy? Write "TURN" on both sides of a paper.

Here are a few other blonde jokes. First 2 versions of the same joke:


1. How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!

2. How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a pack of M&M's and ask her to put them in alphabetical order or throw away the W's.


3. A blonde was walking down the street. A bit further down she saw a banana skin and she thought to herself: "Oh no, I'm going to fall soon".

4. How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool.

5. A brunette and a blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping down from a tall tower. Who landed first? The brunette, since the blonde had to ask for directions first.

6. A brunette and a blonde was walking down the street as they passed by a dead bird. The brunette said: "Ew, look at that dead bird!". The blonde looked up in the air and said: "Where?"

I was doing a little bit of research, because a friend of mine asked a very serious question, and I knew it just had to be answered. He asked me "How many blonde jokes are there, I mean really?"

Well after days of digging, and research, I've come to a hard concrete answer.

There are ... only 2 blonde jokes out there.



The rest are true stories.

Some good questions:

*If a turtle loses it's shell, is it naked or homeless?
*If you plan to fail, and you make it happen, have you failed or achieved success?
*What is synonymous with 'synonymous'?
*What happens if you scare someone half to death twice?
*Why do you turn down the radio when you're driving around looking for an address?
*Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
*Does a cottonfield shrink in a rainsquall?
*Do fish get thirsty?
*If someone with a split personality have one of their personalities threaten to commit suicide, can you call it a hostage situation?
*Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called 'SHIPment', but when you transport it by ship it's called 'CARgo'?
*If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
*Why is it called a pair of pants, but just 'a' sweater?
*If teflon is so slick, how do they make it stick in the frying pan?
*If a store is open 24/7, 365 days a year, why do they have locks on the doors?
*Why is the word 'dyslextic' so hard to spell and read?
*Can you yell at a mute person for talking with his hands full?
*Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous got killed? (Do they need an alibi?)
*If Fred posts these questions, and nobody reads them, will anybody find them funny?

-Fred

Fred Buer wrote:Some good questions:

*If a turtle loses it's shell, is it naked or homeless?
*If you plan to fail, and you make it happen, have you failed or achieved success?
*What is synonymous with 'synonymous'?
*What happens if you scare someone half to death twice?
*Why do you turn down the radio when you're driving around looking for an address?
*Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
*Does a cottonfield shrink in a rainsquall?
*Do fish get thirsty?
*If someone with a split personality have one of their personalities threaten to commit suicide, can you call it a hostage situation?
*Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called 'SHIPment', but when you transport it by ship it's called 'CARgo'?
*If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
*Why is it called a pair of pants, but just 'a' sweater?
*If teflon is so slick, how do they make it stick in the frying pan?
*If a store is open 24/7, 365 days a year, why do they have locks on the doors?
*Why is the word 'dyslextic' so hard to spell and read?
*Can you yell at a mute person for talking with his hands full?
*Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous got killed? (Do they need an alibi?)
*If Fred posts these questions, and nobody reads them, will anybody find them funny?

-Fred

I will \o/

Good ones, Fred.

Oh, and here's a Smiley for Malloy.

*What happens if you scare someone half to death twice?

I think, after the first scare, the person would be half-dead/half-alive. If scared half to death a second time would leave the person three-quarters dead/one quarter alive.

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it means?

At the local spelling Bee, the word Assenine was given to a studet to spell. The student promptly asked to hear the word in a sentence. The town drunk, sitting in the back of the room, shouted: "My wife's face is a 2 but her assenine."

A few addition questions to Fred's great ones

- What color in the face would a Smurf get if you strangle it?
- If you travel with the speed of light - what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- How can it be that a nose can run and feet can smell?
- Why did the Kamikaze-pilots wear helmets?
- How do you know you've run out of invisible ink?
- How do you throw a trash can away?
- If a syncronised swimmer drowns - what do the other syncronised swimmers do?
- If corn oil is made out of corn - what is baby oil made of?
- If the police arrests a mute will they tell the person he has the right to remain silent?
- Why is the word "Abbreviation" so long?
- If there's 0 degrees celsius today and twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
- What do you call a coffee break at a tea factory?
- Why do you have to press "Start" to shut down Windows?
- Who is "General failure" and why is he reading my hard drive?
- How does the guy that drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
- Why is there only ONE Monopolies and Mergers Commission?
- Why do you press harder on the buttons on the remote control when it's about to run out of batteries?
- When they first invented the clock - how did they know what time to set it at?
- Would Jesus get wet if he slipped while walking on water?

One of those fascinated me.

netroam wrote:Why do you press harder on the buttons on the remote control when it's about to run out of batteries?

Here's another question in reference:

Why does pushing the buttons on the remote control when the batteries are low - work?

-Fred

Fred Buer wrote:One of those fascinated me.

netroam wrote:Why do you press harder on the buttons on the remote control when it's about to run out of batteries?

Here's another question in reference:

Why does pushing the buttons on the remote control when the batteries are low - work?

I could tell you - but then I'd have to kill you.

i'm_melting_i'm_melting wrote:

Fred Buer wrote:One of those fascinated me.

netroam wrote:Why do you press harder on the buttons on the remote control when it's about to run out of batteries?

Here's another question in reference:

Why does pushing the buttons on the remote control when the batteries are low - work?

I could tell you - but then I'd have to kill you.

Oh well it's quite simple really. It would work whether you're mashing on the button, or simply lightly tapping it about four or five times in succession. The last little bit of juice is having a hard time making it to the buttons. So ... when it does work, I think it's a matter of timing, not how hard your pressing on the button. Of course, this is just a theory too.

Is there another word for thesaurus?